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Thread: reasons to be childfree for you and me

  1. #91
    Luckiest SweetPea's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hollerskates View Post
    right. it's not enough that a baby burst through a hole in your body, but now you have infected breasts?? no, no, no, no, no.
    Exactly.

    I don't understand... "Yay! You just shoved a series of large grapefruits through your lady bits! Now get ready for a asshole full of burning hemroids, bacteria infested tits, sagging skin, dislocated hips, and uncontrollable depression... Oh, and you won't get a normal healthy nights sleep for the next 6 years. Congrats!"

    How is this a good thing?!
    You don't have to do everything all by yourself.

  2. #92
    The Good Book is missing some pages Maeve's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vampire Kites View Post
    I can safety say, however, that this experience just cements my decision on why I don't want any of my own.
    I'm 16 years older than my sister so I lived every bit of her life since she was born... and I helped a lot. I'm satisfied to say that now she's an accomplished, smart, pretty young lady and for me that's it. I've done all a woman can do for and with a baby except giving birth to one and I really don't feel the need to.


    Quote Originally Posted by SweetPea View Post
    Exactly.

    I don't understand... "Yay! You just shoved a series of large grapefruits through your lady bits! Now get ready for a asshole full of burning hemroids, bacteria infested tits, sagging skin, dislocated hips, and uncontrollable depression... Oh, and you won't get a normal healthy nights sleep for the next 6 years. Congrats!"

    How is this a good thing?!
    Well, honestly it's not all a disaster.
    It's common that bad news emerge more and stick in our minds, so we don't count the huge number of women who gave birth happily without troubles of any kind.
    For most women pregnancy, giving birth and nurturing a child is a great thing. Obviously for those like us who don't give a damn about it, infections, hemroids, depression and other possible (not necessarily usual) problems just add to the fact that we don't feel that need. That doesn't make it a bad thing in an absolute way.
    As far as I know, for example, my mother never had any problem nor with me or with my sister and she had with both of us all the sleep she needed. I could be blessed by a genetic set of trouble-less motherhood but this isn't going to change my mind.

    Is it right, butterfly, they like you better framed and dried?

  3. #93
    Luckiest SweetPea's Avatar
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    Well, I know that these things are "common" but it still doesn't change the fact that gross things happen more often than not for women who choose to have a baby. I have horror stories from all my child-bearing friends (and my mother). As far as I know, any woman who says they got "plenty of sleep" with a new born is either fibbing or they had a great nanny... even my mother, who kicks fucking ass, says this... but *shrug* either way... childbirth is gross.
    You don't have to do everything all by yourself.

  4. #94
    the reichenbach hero fox in socks's Avatar
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    this was a mommyblog misery loves company lol post. But, I don't think it's hyperbole.....

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  6. #96
    she might not be so bold fullofwish's Avatar
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    I had dinner with my sister and a friend on Friday night, and we talked a lot about having kids. We're all in our early 30's, but with quite different situations. My sister is married and currently trying to decide whether to pay for IVF since she has a medical condition that makes it hard to conceive; she wants to have kids but accepts that if she doesn't, its not the end of the world. My friend is in a long-term relationship, has no intention of getting married or having kids, but her boyfriend is from a Croatian family who put a bit of pressure on her to do the marriage and kids thing. I'm single and staunchly childfree.

    So we had a long conversation about the reasons not to have kids and the comments we get from people about not having/not wanting kids. It was so interesting. We all had different reasons and ideas about non-motherhood, but mostly they revolved around happiness and not wanting to have to rely on the default options for women (be a mother; be a career woman; be a super woman who has both things) when there are plenty of pathways to choose from which don't necessarily involve either work or motherhood.

    Anyway, then today I read this snippet from an article with Cameron Diaz who is childfree, and I thought she made some nice points which echoed the ones we talked about.

    It's so much more work to have children. To have lives besides your own that you are responsible for -- I didn't take that on. That did make things easier for me. A baby -- that's all day, every day for eighteen years. Not having a baby might really make things easier, but that doesn't make it an easy decision. I like protecting people, but I was never drawn to being a mother. I have it much easier than any of them. That's just what it is. Doesn't mean life isn't sometimes hard. I'm just what I am. I work on what I am. Right now, I think, things are good for me. I've done a lot. And I don't care anymore.
    I liked the bolded parts especially because I resent the idea that people without kids have it easy. Sure, it may be easier but that doesn't mean life is all unicorns and kittens and disposable income.

  7. #97
    Senior Member CC's Avatar
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    Last edited by CC; 09-08-2014 at 09:24 AM.

  8. #98
    Insert something clever here iamstilljamiepoo's Avatar
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    I think I've mentioned my friend on here a few times. Paid thousands of dollars for IVF. I was supportive through that. She went on and on incessantly about wanting a baby for years and years. I listened.

    So, the IVF worked on the first try. Then she had twins. They were ten weeks early. I hung out with her in the NICU a few times, gave her rides and such when she couldn't drive. I've only visited her once since the babies have been home. I just..tiny babies freak me the fuck out. That, and I've had some health issues.

    I had a partial hysterectomy three years ago and the problems that caused that persisted, so three weeks ago I had the rest of the lady bits removed. It's been difficult, just because there was some bowel stuff going on too. And hormones! Whew! I had made peace with the no babies for Jamie thing and in the end was pretty damn thankful I never had the chance because ick. Just not me. Doesn't stop people from giving me the head tilt sympathy look, but whatever.

    The last week or so I'd been feeling guilty for not talking to the above-mentioned friend. That and some ppl freak when you call after they've had babies since they might be sleeping and heaven forbid you wake a baby. I finally call. The first thing she says to me after pleasantries are exchanged: "Man, this baby thing is hard. I wish I'd had a hysterectomy and you'd had twins."

    That is fucking shitty on so many levels. I don't even. I may not know what it's like to have had twins or what work that entails, but she doesn't have a fucking clue what this is like, either.

  9. #99
    Let them eat cheese flan Nancy's Avatar
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    ^ That is self-absorbed, thoughtless, and downright cruel.

  10. #100
    I have this friend who was bound and determined to have kids despite fertility issues. She did everything and spent huge amounts of money. Adoption was not what she wanted. She wanted them to have her DNA. Years and years of "trying" and she had twins. They're presently 5 years old.

    She now says, with no hyperbole, that she would reverse her decision if she could and go childless. Since we're now thinking of adoption, she constantly tells us how awful having kids is and what a mistake it would be. Honestly, her latest comment (I'll try to quote as closely as I can remember): "You know that feeling that people tell you about how wonderful parenting is and how there are times with the children that make it all worth it? Well, about 90% of the time it's sheer hell, 5% of the time it's really bad, 3% of the time it's not fun but you can handle it, 1.5% of the time it's okay and .5% of the time it's wonderful, funny and all worth it. If I'm exaggerating, it's only by giving the all worth it percentage a greater number than it really has."

  11. #101
    CMYK>RGB Stephanie's Avatar
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    I don't think it's uncommon for parents to feel that way, I think it's very rare that they will admit it to anyone but themselves though.

  12. #102
    I remember spending a session with my therapist talking about my feelings on having kids (I'm on the fence - I want them, then I don't, then I do, then I don't) and I said something like, "Well I guess if I do have kids I would never regret it," and her response was to roll her eyes and say, "Are you kidding me? I have multiple people sitting in front of me EVERY DAY that regret having kids." So, yeah. They might not admit it to most people, or even to themselves, but plenty of people regret having children.

    I also remember a friend of mine telling me something similar to what Tonic said, that, "Having kids is 99% shit and 1% good." Yikes!
    Last edited by JayPeaches; 09-30-2014 at 08:00 PM.

  13. #103
    she said destroy Lágnætti's Avatar
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    I've had women roll up to me apropos of nothing at work and both drunk and sober outside work and tell me how I'm right and clever not to have kids (or husbands!) because they wouldn't if they knew what they knew now. I'm always like, "Er, OK, thanks!" Not sure what else I can say. "Have you ever thought of retro-active abortion?" I think it's OK to admit such things to the woman who's been out and frank about not wanting anything to do with lifescript shit. Not so amongst the hordes of mombies though. Howls of outrage sure to follow. They also tend to use the word 'lucky' which I fnd odd. It's not luck, it's integrity, darlings. You stay true to yourself or you choose to do stuff you don't really want to to please some other bastard. Luck has nothing to do with it.

    One of my strongest memories of my late maternal grandmother is her turning to me a few years before she died at age 90 and saying she wished she had never had got married or had kids, that she wished she'd joined the army and seen the world instead. I can still remember the strength of emotion and brutal honesty in her voice at that point and it always comes back to me when I'm being pressured in one way or another to betray myself.

  14. #104
    these days just seem to crush me
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    I don't know if the decision to be child-free has something to do with our upbringing, but Christ, I grew up with a miserable mother and knew she resented us. I guess some people either think "I would never want to put a child through that" thus being child-free, while others need to prove that they need to be better than their parents so they feel the need to have kids? I don't know. I like to think I wouldn't resent the hell out of my kids, but it's hard to say.

  15. #105
    she might not be so bold fullofwish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jessy View Post
    I don't know if the decision to be child-free has something to do with our upbringing, but Christ, I grew up with a miserable mother and knew she resented us.
    My best friend is childfree and she has a terrible relationship with her mother (because her mother was a terrible parent), but OTOH, I'm childfree and I have wonderful parents. My relationship with my mum is more tense and complicated than with my dad, but she was a great mother. I lucked out on the parent stakes. That may be the exception to the rule though.

    I've been thinking a lot about being childfree recently, because I've been getting out a little into the dating world and almost every guy I meet has kids. Somewhere between 34 and 35 I've stepped past the threshold where I can reasonably assume a guy I meet doesn't have kids. It throws up a lot of questions for me: how do I feel about being a step-parent? To how many kids? Do I have an age cut-off under which the kids are too young? It makes me think about whether me being child-free is because I just don't want to deal with those early years before they can basically look after themselves. Or that I don't want to be financially responsible for children. Or some other factor. I'm not sure.

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