Depression/Anxiety

[Pirates, yeah!]

I am not depressed! It's been six years since I've been able to say that, and I'm so happy to say it again now. Just wanted to post this to give some hope that recovery is possible. There were times when I really did not believe I would ever not be depressed again, but here I am. I am getting better at accepting that depression/mania/mood problems will probably always be in my life, and I need to relish times when I am well. I will probably continue to have depressive episodes, with times of reprieve. I think I'm OK with that. I've gotten a lot better at recognising the signs of depression (or mania) setting in and getting help early.

There is hope, stable mood is achievable

[tolotti_]

Hey guys, I'm new in this forum and it's nice to see this corner here.

I'm 25 yo and suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and depression. Actually, it all started with a period of acute insomnia that left me like, 50 hours awake. Since then I've developed a tremendous FEAR of going to sleep, which made me anxious and this anxiety started to grow to all the other areas of my life. I went to my psychiatrist two years ago and now I can say that my anxiety is kinda fine. I still DREAD sleep time, and my brain does all kind of calculation like "I slept 6 hours today, if I go to bed at 1am I'll have X hours of sleep if I can sleep at 2 am at least, and by 2 am I've been awake for 18 hours, which is almost 24 hours". It's tiresome. And beginning last year, depression started (which in some way contributed to low my anxiety - because of the apathy).

I work but I'm not happy here, my boss is very obnoxious - I called in sick two times already, and I work here for three months. I'm doing a masters in art history and it's going well, but sometimes I feel lost. I have a nice and caring bf, but sometimes I can lash out on him and then I feel so guilty. As the saying goes, why we hurt the ones who love us most? If somebody - anybody - could see my life from afar, they would say that there's nothing wrong with it, but that's just not true. My friends are getting more distant, and I can't blame them. I dread social events, and missed a couple of birthdays parties of my dearest friends. And sometimes I'm at work and I do nothing. I just go "what the hell - fire me", like I don't care. I need the job but I don't want it, it makes me miserable, because I'm miserable.

I take 5 meds everyday and they help me, but it's a struggle. My family is super religious, fanatic catholics so for them it's just lack of God. I have my spirituality, but not like them. Anyway, it was good to talk here. I feel more relieved now.
(yesterday I barely slept, and it makes me so nervous about going to sleep today)

[toriMODE]

Have you tried Lunesta or Ambien?

[tolotti_]

Have you tried Lunesta or Ambien?

Yep, one of the meds I take is Ambien (well, not exactly Ambien since it's not available in Brazil, but it's called Stilnox and it's zolpidem, the same). Most of the days I sleep decently, the thought of going to sleep is the worst thing.

[eresos]

Racing thoughts at night are rough

Been leaning on low dose of Xanax when it's really bad but try not to use it frequently
It really helps

[BrotherNamedErised]

So, without getting bogged down by the details, I've had a pretty rough summer. There were some major professional setbacks, and then a series of terrible losses - many dear friends and relatives have passed away and several others are dealing with significant health problems. It's left both me and my family more than a little rattled, and possibly the worst part has been its impact on my mother, who is the strongest person I know, and completely heartbroken at the moment.

Recently I had some good news in that I was offered two gigs (I'm an actor), which pay next to nothing, but could prove to be decent opportunities for more exposure and maybe lead to better work in the future. I have to choose between the two, and for whatever reason, it has completely destroyed me emotionally. Because of how bad things have been, I keep picturing the worst case scenario for either option, which completely incapacitates me and prevents me from making an informed decision. Furthermore, the idea of turning down either offer just paralyses me. I'm deathly afraid of making the wrong call, and of having yet another promising thing blow up in my face, and it's just left me in a state of limbo. I'm having regular anxiety attacks, and can't seem to choose without experiencing immediate pangs of regret. Do you guys have any tips on clearing one's head?

[eresos]

Oh gosh. Today was a rough one
Getting back to work this week & anxious since I didn't make it to therapy yet
Getting through but feel like taking a moment here to share
Bc I even felt so socially anxious that everything I said and did was off and just full self awareness acceptance without a good professional to guide me through has been getting me nowhere
I just feel like tired of trying to pretend I'm normal adult when I've always been atypical
I've not thrived as much as I could
Not fully alive

[entropy]

I'm having regular anxiety attacks, and can't seem to choose without experiencing immediate pangs of regret. Do you guys have any tips on clearing one's head?

When my head gets really noisy, I try to picture a blank white piece of printer paper. I fixate on my mental image of that paper. It has helped me calm my mind a bit and lead into some mediation which I really suck at!

[entropy]

I just feel like tired of trying to pretend I'm normal adult when I've always been atypical
I've not thrived as much as I could
Not fully alive

I identify with this so much!

I try to remember that I don't live inside the mind or bodies of anyone else. Who knows what kind of anxiety or thoughts the other person is having. They might just be better at playing it off.

Be kind to yourself.

[BrotherNamedErised]

Hey everyone. So, I was headed to work today, already quite stressed, and I received a message of some relatively bad news and had a complete breakdown in the middle of the street. I'm back home now, trying to feel better, but it's all just too much - I feel really, really overwhelmed at the moment. The worst part is that I'm currently living with my parents, and they really can't handle it when I'm in a bad place. They mean well, but they get completely panicky and that always seems to involve some conversation about how selfish I'm being, and how I should just "snap out of it". I do agree with part of what they're saying, I just wish that someone would understand that when it's bad, it's just bad. I can't magically make myself well as desperately as I wish I could right now.

[CC]

Hey everyone. So, I was headed to work today, already quite stressed, and I received a message of some relatively bad news and had a complete breakdown in the middle of the street. I'm back home now, trying to feel better, but it's all just too much - I feel really, really overwhelmed at the moment. The worst part is that I'm currently living with my parents, and they really can't handle it when I'm in a bad place. They mean well, but they get completely panicky and that always seems to involve some conversation about how selfish I'm being, and how I should just "snap out of it". I do agree with part of what they're saying, I just wish that someone would understand that when it's bad, it's just bad. I can't magically make myself well as desperately as I wish I could right now.

I am so sorry you are in such a difficult place right now!
And it sounds that your parents are unable to cope with your situation(s) - BUT: you are not selfish! Not at all!
It is so so difficult to get out of such bad states and I think you made a good choice not to go to work but home to look after yourself.

I don' know if you have heard of this author, her writing helps me sometimes when i am down and feel hurt by other people who expect me to cheer up an function properly:
https://www.instagram.com/najwazebian/
I don't know if her writings resonate with your pain.
But I hope you can be gentle with yourself, especially in these dark times when others don't understand what you are going through.

A couple of days ago, I realized that I could not remember any happy moments of my life when I was in a depressed state.
The first moment I felt a little bit better, I created a happiness box: I bought a pretty box at a store and started to write down little remembrances I had, fragments of happy moments to collect them in that box.
Initially, just 2 or 3 memories popped up in my mind...but then, over the days, many more came. So now, when I am so low that I think I won't ever be happy again, I get me my little box and it is not making depression going away but it gives me hope. And this makes a huge difference to me.
But: don't know if that is of any help to you.

[entropy]

A couple of days ago, I realized that I could not remember any happy moments of my life when I was in a depressed state.
The first moment I felt a little bit better, I created a happiness box: I bought a pretty box at a store and started to write down little remembrances I had, fragments of happy moments to collect them in that box.
Initially, just 2 or 3 memories popped up in my mind...but then, over the days, many more came. So now, when I am so low that I think I won't ever be happy again, I get me my little box and it is not making depression going away but it gives me hope. And this makes a huge difference to me.
But: don't know if that is of any help to you.

This is such a wonderful idea!

[Bloody Grace]

So, without getting bogged down by the details, I've had a pretty rough summer. There were some major professional setbacks, and then a series of terrible losses - many dear friends and relatives have passed away and several others are dealing with significant health problems. It's left both me and my family more than a little rattled, and possibly the worst part has been its impact on my mother, who is the strongest person I know, and completely heartbroken at the moment.

Recently I had some good news in that I was offered two gigs (I'm an actor), which pay next to nothing, but could prove to be decent opportunities for more exposure and maybe lead to better work in the future. I have to choose between the two, and for whatever reason, it has completely destroyed me emotionally. Because of how bad things have been, I keep picturing the worst case scenario for either option, which completely incapacitates me and prevents me from making an informed decision. Furthermore, the idea of turning down either offer just paralyses me. I'm deathly afraid of making the wrong call, and of having yet another promising thing blow up in my face, and it's just left me in a state of limbo. I'm having regular anxiety attacks, and can't seem to choose without experiencing immediate pangs of regret. Do you guys have any tips on clearing one's head?

Hi, I don't know if my advice can be of any help, but I can try.
For work reasons I have some friends who are actors and I'm beginning to understand their world a bit. Do you think that trying to put your feelings in a play would be too difficult? I think that kind of catharsis can be so helpful psychologically speaking. I also try to avoid depression by writing (I have never experienced it but I'm prone to it because of fibromyalgia) or expressing my repressed feelings through art. I see some of my actor friends have been able to deal with bad traumas this way.

[BrotherNamedErised]

Hi, I don't know if my advice can be of any help, but I can try.
For work reasons I have some friends who are actors and I'm beginning to understand their world a bit. Do you think that trying to put your feelings in a play would be too difficult? I think that kind of catharsis can be so helpful psychologically speaking. I also try to avoid depression by writing (I have never experienced it but I'm prone to it because of fibromyalgia) or expressing my repressed feelings through art. I see some of my actor friends have been able to deal with bad traumas this way.

I only read your message now! I've considered writing for quite a while; I do believe that all art is, in a sense, autobiographical. At the end of the day, we can only draw from ourselves - our own viewpoints, our own perceptions, our own reactions to what happens in the world. And writing is even more so, in the sense that your perspective remains more or less undiluted, as opposed to most other creative formats.
I've never tried writing for the stage - I've written essays, articles, think-pieces and even some poems, but I haven't yet tried my hand at creating a play. But, on days like this, let me assure you: it's back to the forefront of my mind. It's almost serendipitous that I only just found your post. I came back from a rehearsal for this utterly dreadful piece, during which I was given direction by the (ostensible) director and the producer at the same time. The funnest part is that they were asking me to do the exact opposite thing from one another, and then insisted that they were in perfect agreement throughout. Bets of all, the instructions came in forms like: Now you're sad. Now you feel tired. This is where you feel stunned. Needless to say, THEY'VE ADAPTED THE WHOLE MESS TOGETHER, which makes me wonder how these people ever learned to read and write, let alone tried their hand at playwriting. I mean, I don't see how I can be any worse.
To get back to the main subject of this thread, I came home in a basically catatonic state. I'm doing this as yet another favour, because like all actors, I'm expected to be overjoyed by the exposure of the whole thing, and feed off that for the next 2-3 months. I'm just so, so tired. My energy tends to drop really abruptly and then it just plummets to rock bottom. I need to find other outlets, because I know that I can't go on like this.
Thank you so much for your message, @Bloody Grace. I appreciate the suggestion

[CC]

I feel so distressed and fight feelings of guilt...
I had a terrible day yesterday.
After spending Christmas with my parents and staying at their place, I prepared to go home.
We haven't seen us much this year, as I worked in another town and had to travel 4 hours each day. Also, the relationship with my boss did not work out well and I had a physical breakdown in march.
Went to therapy, dealt with my depression, got me another job. All the while, I distanced myself more from my parents, who are overcaring or not caring at all - if I tell them about problems they are either super concerned, sometimes crying and feeling helpless and burdened by my problems or they don't listen properly, say things like "get through it, everyone has tough times" and talk mainly about their own stuff and problems.
Nevertheless, as I was getting a bit better, I started visiting them again.

On christmas eve, my mother said to me out of a sudden "it must have been difficult for you with such a dominant mother like me".
I was super surprised and replied "yes, it was" - relieved that she would finally see some things from my perspective. We did not further talk about it but played cards etc.
The next morning, she was cold, almost unfriendly. I thought, okay, her behaviour is unpredictable as always.

As i was leaving, she hugged me and said "sorry that I am such a bad mother".
I didn't know what to say, told her so and then I felt cornered by her.
She demanded that we speak about how difficult our relationship is, why I would not visit etc.
and that she was super shocked by my answer the evening before.
After some time, I told her that I don't feel understood by her - an old issue between us.
Then she accused me of not telling her before, demanding examples.
Under tears, I did give her some current ones - she said, she never said these things, I misunderstood, misinterpreted etc. that it wasn't true.
That she always has best intentions and I take everything she says too literally etc.

I said I wanted to leave, but she kept on going and going, demanding, accusing, then thanking me for saying something critical, than scolding me for speaking in an unfriendly way to her etc.
It was horrible and I felt relieved when I finally just went away.

I am in the middle of my forties and I just want this bullshit to stop.
I feel so exhausted and sad.
But this time, I also feel that I have changed in a good way, I can see how much this is playing my guilt "I am a bad daughter"-string, and yet I try to fight this.
I try not to become depressed, but rather feel the pain and get over this.

Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading it.