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Thread: Depression/Anxiety

  1. #1126
    Senior Member CC's Avatar
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    I feel so distressed and fight feelings of guilt...
    I had a terrible day yesterday.
    After spending Christmas with my parents and staying at their place, I prepared to go home.
    We haven't seen us much this year, as I worked in another town and had to travel 4 hours each day. Also, the relationship with my boss did not work out well and I had a physical breakdown in march.
    Went to therapy, dealt with my depression, got me another job. All the while, I distanced myself more from my parents, who are overcaring or not caring at all - if I tell them about problems they are either super concerned, sometimes crying and feeling helpless and burdened by my problems or they don't listen properly, say things like "get through it, everyone has tough times" and talk mainly about their own stuff and problems.
    Nevertheless, as I was getting a bit better, I started visiting them again.

    On christmas eve, my mother said to me out of a sudden "it must have been difficult for you with such a dominant mother like me".
    I was super surprised and replied "yes, it was" - relieved that she would finally see some things from my perspective. We did not further talk about it but played cards etc.
    The next morning, she was cold, almost unfriendly. I thought, okay, her behaviour is unpredictable as always.

    As i was leaving, she hugged me and said "sorry that I am such a bad mother".
    I didn't know what to say, told her so and then I felt cornered by her.
    She demanded that we speak about how difficult our relationship is, why I would not visit etc.
    and that she was super shocked by my answer the evening before.
    After some time, I told her that I don't feel understood by her - an old issue between us.
    Then she accused me of not telling her before, demanding examples.
    Under tears, I did give her some current ones - she said, she never said these things, I misunderstood, misinterpreted etc. that it wasn't true.
    That she always has best intentions and I take everything she says too literally etc.

    I said I wanted to leave, but she kept on going and going, demanding, accusing, then thanking me for saying something critical, than scolding me for speaking in an unfriendly way to her etc.
    It was horrible and I felt relieved when I finally just went away.

    I am in the middle of my forties and I just want this bullshit to stop.
    I feel so exhausted and sad.
    But this time, I also feel that I have changed in a good way, I can see how much this is playing my guilt "I am a bad daughter"-string, and yet I try to fight this.
    I try not to become depressed, but rather feel the pain and get over this.

    Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading it.
    Last edited by CC; 12-26-2017 at 01:34 PM.

  2. #1127
    imagine a future and be in it emanate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CC
    After some time, I told her that I don't feel understood by her - an old issue between us.
    Then she accused me of not telling her before, demanding examples.
    Under tears, I did give her some current ones - she said, she never said these things, I misunderstood, misinterpreted etc. that it wasn't true.
    That she always has best intentions and I take everything she says too literally etc.
    That sounds like classic gaslighting behavior on your mother's part. You do not deserve to be treated that way, and you made a good decision to leave the situation when you did. I hope you can find some comfort in days to come in knowing that you did what you could to take care of yourself by leaving and refusing to listen to any more of that treatment from your mother.

  3. #1128
    gone Andromeda grapefruit_is_winning's Avatar
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    Ughhhhhh clothes shopping after gaining a ton of weight over the course of a couple incredibly stressful work years. Between the weight gain, the clothes shopping experience, and the imminent return to work following a holiday break (back on an airplane Tuesday morning), I'm like, kill me please.

    Just venting here. I guess I'm just feeling overwhelmed by my problems, or more accurately by my apparent inability to solve them. I feel so frustrated with, ashamed by, and disappointed in myself. Please please please let 2018 be a much better year than 2017.

  4. #1129
    Quote Originally Posted by grapefruit_is_winning View Post
    Just venting here. I guess I'm just feeling overwhelmed by my problems, or more accurately by my apparent inability to solve them. I feel so frustrated with, ashamed by, and disappointed in myself. Please please please let 2018 be a much better year than 2017.
    I'm very sorry to hear that you're going through a rough patch. All I can say is that change takes time. I get that it may not be what you want to hear right now, but it's true: Patience is the only way to go about these things. It's a major step forward that you've identified the things in your life that are making you unhappy and / or uncomfortable. You have to allow yourself a little space to go about making the changes that you need to make; nothing happens overnight, but now that you know what you want you have all the time in the world to plan your course of action.

    (I'm saying all of this to myself as much as I'm saying it to you. It's just the only piece of advice that is valid and true.)

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