Thinking of you Jay. You can do this!
I've been thinking of doing the same. My relationship with food is fucking out of control lately. I'm either over eating or not eating at all. No wonder my body doesn't know what to do with weight anymore.
Can't dot you, Barb, but .
Not sure why I put Monday, my appointment isn't until Wednesday. And I'm terrified. I feel like such a failure. I'm considering their intensive outpatient program, which involves two nights a week for four hours and one Saturday for four hours. It would be tough given that it's an hour away, but we'll see. Just doing the initial appointment for now to see what they recommend.
I really can't believe how bad this has gotten. My head is so filled with "how to lose weight" info that I don't even know how to process it anymore. I don't know what eating normal looks like, and honestly I can't even define healthy eating anymore because there's so much conflicting info. NO CARBS! NO STARCHES! NO PROCESSED FOODS! Jesus fuck, none of that is reasonable, but I feel like all of those things are also triggers. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I ate myself into oblivion yesterday. Sundays are my absolute WORST days, 'cause you know, I'm gonna start eating well on Monday! If I was addicted to drugs I would have died long ago on a Sunday binge. When I think about eating healthy, it seems so appealing to me. Fresh fruits and steamed veggies and savory proteins, yum! And yet somehow I opt for donuts and candy and baking banana bread when I'm already full of food.
I just can't do this anymore. I'm at DEFCON LEVEL 5 with this shit and I fucking hate myself. I start every morning hating myself and feeling miserable and not wanting to get out of bed or get dressed.
Biggest revelations from today:
1. 50% of my daily caloric intake should come from carbs. HOLY WHAT.
2. I'm severely restricting my intake on a daily basis (from when I get up until about 3-5pm), which is clearly one of the triggers for my nightly binge-eating.
I honestly did not realize that my idea of a "good day" was so fucking warped. I want to delete anything I've ever written or said anywhere about food and what constitutes healthy eating.
Oh yeah, if you deprive yourself during the day you will EAT THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING. It's finding a balance. It's so hard.
50% carbs seems about right...I try to eat 50 carbs/30 protein/20 fat. Thereabouts!
This anti-carb nonsense going around for years now is just that ... nonsense. There's a revolving door on casting one or other macro as EVIIIIL. Used to be fat. Now it's carbs. It's all bullshit. We need adequate amounts of all to function. We need carbs to function. No carb diets are utter insanity.
I have been in a bad food way as of late. Like, a really lot.
I am so angry with the healthcare system right now. I have been diagnosed with an eating disorder and have been in treatment a few times, both residential and IOP. I will readily admit I have been non-compliant with follow-up care; it's a mixed bag of no money and just simply feeling like I don't deserve it.
I had an assessment to enter treatment again. They'll take me. They want the entirety of what it would cost up front. With my deductible and yearly max with insurance, that is $6350. I don't know about any of you, but I certainly don't have $6350 sitting around. If I did, I would have probably remained in outpatient treatment and wouldn't need a higher level of care. I feel sad and scared and hopeless. How do I try and fix that? Food. I don't really binge much anymore, nor do I really purge often, but I certainly have issues with fast food addiction. I have maxed out all my credit cards with fast food runs. I try and make goals to not eat it, one day at a time. I fail nearly everyday.
The dietitian I see tries really hard to accommodate my financial restraints, but she is at her limit with that, as well. I have gone to OA in the past - like anything else, it really varies in terms of the quality of the meetings and what is shared.
There really isn't a point of this post except to type it all out and tell someone how I am feeling. I hate this and it needs to stop, but given my current restraints, I don't know how.
Please know you're not alone. Thanks for sharing
I don't even try to deal with my ED. It's the least of my issues
Hopefully you can find enough support system to get through this
"this way, that way, i am of two minds" -sappho
Yesterday I made the mistake of mentioning to my mother that my husband and I were going to try to start eating healthier by cutting out processed foods. She immediately said, "Well what about weight watchers?" even though I said nothing about trying to lose weight. The only reason I brought it up was because it was part of why I wanted to leave her house early - so we could get home in time to do some meal prep.
Now, it's obvious to anyone who knows me that I've gained a significant amount of weight in the last year and a half. But that is a topic I avoid entirely with my mother because she tends to be overly focused on weight and looks, etc. and it's very triggering for me. I'm certain that her obsession with weight and looks and good vs. bad foods is, at least in part, a cause of my eating disorder.
I've already gotten a phone call from her today to check in on how our meal prep went last night. I told her we didn't get much done because we got home so late, but that I grabbed a whole wheat bagel on my way in this morning. Her response? "Well, isn't that too many calories? Can you even eat that much?" *TRIGGERED* I've been in a downward spiral ever since. It's all I can think about, like my weight is the elephant in the room every time I'm around her or talking to her.
I don't even know what I'm trying to say right now, other than I'm having a shit time dealing with ONE FUCKING COMMENT.
I definitely struggled with the influences of my parents, which manifested itself in disordered eating. My father was INTENSELY fatphobic, and my mother has always been completely obsessed with her looks, plus I realized just in recent years that she was bulimic. She used to vomit after meals, and always told me it was because of her "anxiety". When my parents got divorced, it stopped. FUNNY THAT. It is very hard to disconnect that sort of thing from your eating habits.
Guys, my craving for sweets and carbs is seriously in like HEROIN territory. I couldn't even get through one day.
How do I stop this? I've been googling all day. I'm seeing a lot of similar things - drink more water, etc. But I'm also seeing studies about how quitting sugar after over-consumption for an extended period of time leads to psychological withdrawal symptoms similar to those of people withdrawing from drugs or alcohol.
I'm berating myself hourly for having no willpower. My psychologist self says to stop the negative talk, accept that this is difficult, be more understanding of that, etc. but it's not happening.
I'm taking years off my life by poisoning myself with this shit and I. Can't. Stop. WTF is wrong with me? I never used to eat this way!
Quitting sugar was one of the hardest things I've ever done (diet wise), no question. If you decide to try giving it up, you'll feel like shit for a week and then you'll feel better. It's very very very difficult and its also in EVERYTHING.
ETA: Drinking water solves nothing except you have to pee all the time. I just ate like a billion servings of fruit a day for about a month before the cravings stopped.
That's one thing that annoys me with the whole "drink a min of 500ml of water an hour" shenanigans, the constant pissing. If I am out and about not at work/home, it's an exercise of planning my journey around toilets. SO ANNOYING.