Ten Things Not to Say to Your Childfree Friends

[Lathan]

Liking kids is for a few hours is not the same as dealing with them 24/7 for the rest of your life.

Liking kids is for a few hours is not the same as dealing with them 24/7 for the rest of your life.

Liking kids is for a few hours is not the same as dealing with them 24/7 for the rest of your life.

We should make a t-shirt.

I'm in the fun for a few hours camp. I enjoy babysitting my best friend's kids, but I'm so glad my boyfriend and I can't accidentally make babies.

[Churumbela]

And sometimes I feel like my friends are thinking 'see? She does like kids! She just doesn't know it! One day she'll realise how much she wants to be a mum!' Or they will say outright, oh, you're so good with kids, you'll be a great mum. And I always roll my eyes and say liking kids is for a few hours is not the same as dealing with them 24/7 for the rest of your life.

Yes, absolutely. People tell me that, "I thought you liked kids, don't you want some?" Yes, I actually love kids. I was a teacher, for Chrissake. I also like dogs, doesn't mean I want one. Other people's kids are awesome, because I have little to no overall responsibility to them. Yes, I'll make sure they're safe and well taken care of while with me, but at the end of the day, I still am responsible for only myself, and that's how I like it. My mum says I have a "healthy understanding of my own selfishness" or something like that. She means it in a nice way, I think.

[Girl Friday]

The one I hate is "There are methods, IVF, and besides, miracles happen every day!" No. I am making a choice (partially influenced by medical issues). Get it through your head. Please.

[jeth]

Yeah, and I know a couple whose parents financed the only round of IVF they could afford - she immediately miscarried, and now they are struggling because they can't afford another round, but they also cannot afford to adopt. I'm going to withhold my opinion on what they should have done with that money because ultimately it was their choice. I will, however, agree with the ridiculous assertion that just because medically you cannot have children, that you should explore other scientific methods for bringing them about. When I told someone that pregnancy is medically contraindicated for me, I was told that I could always get a surrogate. What's with this endless push to get around nature? What if I'm genuinely okay with my situation? Nobody thinks about that.

(That said, I did go through a period a few months ago where I decided that maybe I wanted kids after all. If that ever becomes a serious consideration, I would adopt first, though to be honest that kind of feeling has passed already)

[Kala]

What's with this endless push to get around nature?

The norm in our society seems to still be for women to conceive, bear, and raise children. After reading threads here in CF, apparently relatives, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, and even virtual strangers find it acceptable to say things like: "you have time", "you'll change your mind", "you'll feel differently when you have kids of your own", "have you considered IVF?", "you can always adopt", etc. But when's the last time you heard a childfree person say to a woman upon announcing her pregnancy "yeah, but have you considered abortion?" We don't because that would be considered outrageously rude and presumptuous, not to mention, it's none of our business. When someone tells me they're expecting, I usually respond with "congratulations" - seems the polite thing to say you know. So why aren't the CF afforded the same respect, courtesy, and right to privacy?

[Girl Friday]

Kala you are my hero.

[Medusa]

I usually respond with "congratulations" - seems the polite thing to say you know. So why aren't the CF afforded the same respect, courtesy, and right to privacy?

Because the entire reason we're on this planet is to procreate. Everything else that we do with our lives is just filler between/during/after babytime.

It's so strange to me that I hear lots of moms and dads (rightfully) say that they want to carve out a life for themselves that isn't just 100% about their kids, but what's implied when someone bingos you about not having a kid is "there's nothing else to do in life but procreate."

[fox in socks]

im generally more happy for the person that they are pregnant or adopting or whatever joy, but when they bring in their newbs, im not going to fawn as i really dont care. i dont know this poopy drooly sticky thing and i dont instantly squee at their cuteness. i do know that if i comment on anything like "cute hat" or summat there is usually some comment "dont you WANT ONE?!?!" fucking hell. the thought never occurred to me, thanks. anyway, i dont know why id covet a kid even if it were cute. i mean, theyre not shoes!

i guess a lot of people just drink the kool-aid and say theres nothing else to do but procreate, but thats a fragile argument. i mean, why not just top yourself after youve given birth or whatever? or top yourself if you're sterile or......i think people say that shit because its in the lifescript and its too much work to step aside from the norm. perhaps thats why they are so defensive and threatened when people choose NOT to have kids?

[stillorbiting]

i do know that if i comment on anything like "cute hat" or summat there is usually some comment "dont you WANT ONE?!?!"

This is one of the worst things to me. I totally understand that they're happy about their new kid, even if I can't personally relate. I get it, I really do. But the "Don't you want one?" shit is such a blatant "Look at my awesome life! PLEASE BE JEALOUS OF ME! It will make me feel great!" thing. I'm sure it's not conscious, but it's still obnoxious as fuck.

[Elly]

i do know that if i comment on anything like "cute hat" or summat there is usually some comment "dont you WANT ONE?!?!"

I would be quite tempted to say, "No. It would be much too small for my head." Ba dum bum.

[Girl Friday]

i do know that if i comment on anything like "cute hat" or summat there is usually some comment "dont you WANT ONE?!?!"

Makes it sound like you can just go down to the baby dealership and pick one up. Get bored of the poo and upgrade to a new model...

[Andrea]

I didn't want to start a thread, and this was the thread with the title that seemed closest to where this question might be appropriate. I need some feedback from those of you who are child-free. How would you react to a sibling asking you about being a guardian for their children in the event of their death? My sister is child free. We haven't talked in depth about it, but I know it's a choice that's not likely to change. I'm working on making out a living will, and my husband and I have been discussing guardians for the kids in case both of us are gone. Would it be too uncomfortable to ask my child-free sister? Am I just putting her in an awkward position where she either has to agree to do something that she doesn't want to or fear to sound as if she's saying she doesn't care about her nieces?

[SweetPea]

I wouldn't be bothered if my brother and/or sister-in-law asked me to be a potential guarding of my nieces. I can't speak for all child-free folks, but despite my choice to not have kids of my own I adore my nieces (and nephews on my husband's side) and I would probably seriously consider the proposition. It's a HUGE thing to ask and be ready for "no". BUT you may be surprised. I would do anything for my nieces. Those girls have a huge chunk of my heart in their little hands and I would move heaven and earth to keep them happy and safe.

You sister might feel the same I say it can't hurt to ask.

[lioness]

I agree with SweetPea. I would probably start the conversation by acknowledging that your sister is child free and saying that you don't want to put her in an awkward situation, but that you did want to ask her feelings about being a guardian should the need arise.

[JayPeaches]

T and I are listed as guardians for his brother's kids (all three of them!). Even though I did not want kids at the time, I felt honored to be asked and we took the request very seriously. We talked it over for several days and decided to do it, even though we don't have kids of our own.