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Thread: My guilty confession

  1. #1
    Senior Member toriwannabe's Avatar
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    My guilty confession

    I have a major, guilty confession to make - I blame my father for my mum’s death from cancer. I feel horrible saying this, but it's how I feel. Obviously, I can't tell him this, so it's been weighing on my mind ever since her death 15 months ago. I know I can't tell dad this. It would devastate him, and wouldn't help anything - I mean, it wouldn't bring her back. And he won't change anyway.

    What do you do when the person you should love, is someone you feel you hate?

    Of course, I know that someone can't CAUSE the cancer of someone else. However, I do feel that when you're being treated, you want to be in a nurturing, caring environment. That's why they have 'wellness' centres such as Olivia Newton Johns one. Stress can cause a number of ailments, so when your immunity is down because of chemo, or you're out of breath because of radiation therapy, surely a stress-free environment is going to be beneficial to your recovery.

    My dad is NOT nurturing. He has always been a cranky, tactless and stubborn man and none of that changed when mum was sick. There are so many examples. One is when she was breathless walking to the car after a radiation session, he was actually yelling at her to hurry up.

    Anyhow, I've written a letter on my computer stating exactly how i feel. I might share it with this forum if it's appropriate. I might not. I really don't know. All i know is I am still grieving for my mother and another guilty confession is that I wish it had been him and not her. Shit. That's a horrible thing to say, but again, it's exactly how I feel.

  2. #2
    Let them eat cheese flan Nancy's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for your loss. It's still pretty fresh, so please don't beat yourself up for blaming him or for wishing he had been the one to go.

    Like you say though, you can't roll back the clock and you can't control your dad's behavior. I think writing a letter (and not sending it, right?) is a great way to deal with your feelings towards him. Forgiving him is probably too much to ask, and I mention that not because I give a rat's ass about him, but because it can make you feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off your shoulders. It might be too soon to even think about that, if you ever can.

  3. #3
    Senior Member toriwannabe's Avatar
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    Thanks Kari and Nancy. It is a cycle, that's for sure. I think I'll expand on my 'letter' (not to be sent) just so i can get it out.

    The way he spoke to mum didn't go unnoticed by some of his friends and family, so it may well be that someone else calls him out on his past behaviour. I just hope it's not me who does this though!

  4. #4
    Let them eat cheese flan Nancy's Avatar
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    Easy for me to say, but if you can possibly not have any hopes that anyone will call him out, it would be so much better for you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kari View Post
    Some people cannot handle illness. Not defending your father - I do not know him - but some of his behavior might have stemmed from fear. Watching your spouse wither away from cancer is a hard thing, and while the cookie cutter version of the situation is that your spouse is eternally loving and supportive through that, some people get angry and retreat. Forgiveness is overrated, but one day you will come to some sort of peace with it, and will be able to view your dad's situation with detached compassion. All best to you.
    Detached compassion is absolutely a better term than forgiveness. Thank you!

  5. #5
    I was gonna say - that sounds like a phrase my shrink would use!

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    ^ My Catholic grandmother used to say about people who'd wronged her 'May God bless him and keep him but keep him far from me'

    Toriwannabe- I lost my father 20 years ago and I blamed my grandfather 98% at the time for a whole bunch of reasons, all linked to stress and cruelty (they ran a business together). I get where you're coming from because my grandfather was very close to us and I wanted to grieve with him but never could. At this remove, I can say categorically that I forgive him (and have done for a long time) and that the forgiveness was for me rather than for him. Part of the process was in realising that my dad was never coming back no matter who blamed whom for what. Probably none of this is helpful to you but I wish you all the best

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