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Thread: Advice on a relationship (ex)

  1. #1
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    Advice on a relationship (ex)

    Well I haven't posted on here really since the @ days, but I want advice from an impartial / objective group, and I'm driving my friends crazy talking about it so I wanted to try somewhere else. I guess this post might turn into a bit of a walk through of my feelings as well....

    So at the age of 26 I recently left my first "real" relationship, with a guy I was with for just over a year. We met on a night out and had instant chemistry, and got together straight away. The start was, as you would expect, amazing and we got along fantastically. I fell hard and fast in love in a way I never have before / never even thought I was capable of.

    I guess about 7/8 months in problems began to really emerge. I caught him on grindr a few times, and, although he told me he was just chatting, it did make me suspicious. It was also around this time that he started wanting to go on nights out a lot more with just his friends and explicitly not me. I think I was being paranoid to some extent, but it certainly caused tensions / arguments between us when I raised the point because he told me he was feeling like a "caged bird" and I was feeling more like the comfortable jumper you put on on weekday evenings and Sundays.

    Things were more confused by the fact that during our time together he had been encouraging us to experiment with other people (group things etc.) and he would often instigate this. At first I went along with it because I was curious and thought maybe my feelings would change - and I guess I should have been more vocal that it was hurting me - but after a while I told him it wasn't working for me. I guess I am just not cut out to separate the idea of the person I love being able to simply have physical things with someone else. Perhaps that's old fashioned / unadventurous but that's me. When I did eventually raise the issue with him and asked for it to stop was also the time he started wanting to go out alone. Again, this didn't help my paranoia.

    We broke up eventually because we wanted too different things: he wanted to keep it "light and easy" and I was at the point where I was looking for something increasingly settled.

    The problems really began afterwards though. Although I live in London (ie a huge gay city) it is also a place which has some very distinct / segregated scenes. I met my ex on a certain scene when I was relatively new to it although he had been going out there for years. This means everyone knows our business. It also means it's difficult now for me to go out with my friends without running into him.

    After the break up I tried no contact but he was persistent that he wanted to be friends. This went on for a month or so until I agreed to try friendship. After another month or so like that - when we were still meeting up and having sex - ironically enough on nights out when we met up after going out separately, until someone I met asked me out. He has told me now that he wants nothing more to do with me.

    I'm annoyed really because when I wanted space he wouldn't back off - I think he thought that our friendship would evolve into the kind of relationship he had been seeking for a while (a sort of casual / open thing). But now he's pushing me away just as I was getting used to the idea of friendship. I know it's his prerogative but I feel used.

    I'm not really sure what to do now: I'm going to respect his no contact rule but I know that it's inevitable we will run into each other. I also don't believe he can enforce it; I usually get sad / angry / abusive calls or messages on Friday or Saturday nights when he's out and wasted and I know when he's in that state he goes from being sweet to vindictive. I don't want to ignore him because I know the fact that I am now seeing someone else is really cutting him, but what can I do? I asked several times to get back together and every time he said no.

    Sorry for the rant... I've not been able to sleep much with stress tonight. Thanks for reading if you got here!

  2. #2
    generally largely right Dan's Avatar
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    He's trouble, he obviously wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants a sort of freedom with which you're obviously uncomfortable. If you can't deal with an open relationship, it's never going to work. He's not going to change and one day decide he wants to be fully monogamous. You shouldn't put up with his abusive behavior either; focus on the guy you're seeing now. Of course you'll still run into each other - just say hi and act like you would with any other acquaintance.

  3. #3
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    Thanks for your reply, Dan. I agree he does want to have the best of both worlds; which is a relationship for the week and to act like a single guy for partying over the weekends.

    The problem I have had until now is that whenever I have tried to force a space between us he has kept coming back saying he wants friendship. This time he is trying to force no contact because I have met somebody and he says it's going to be too difficult for him. The thing is, when I told him I told him simply the situation: that me and the other guy have had a couple of dates and we are thinking of dating exclusively. I'm not sure why he thought he could be friends if this bothers him: surely he knew that I might meet someone else? Which is why I think he wanted to keep me hanging on.

    I also know I am still in love with him and miss him, and I think he will be in touch again. Not a weekend goes by where I don't receive either angry / sad or both calls and messages. I'm really not sure how to deal with it - I think the tactic of ignoring that I wanted to use all along is the right one, but so far it's been almost impossible to do given his persistence.

    I know we're not right for each other; a couple of weeks after our break up he admitted to cheating, he hooked up with someone (deliberately) in front of me less than a week after we split (when I saw him out) and he has even messaged me just to let me know he's on hooks ups. But the stupid thing is when we're alone together he's wonderful and I love those moments.

    My head knows what to do I think: does anyone know how to make your head rule over your heart though?

  4. #4
    generally largely right Dan's Avatar
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    No.

  5. #5
    the unhappy worker waitressboy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by De Barra View Post
    My head knows what to do I think: does anyone know how to make your head rule over your heart though?
    I am ALMOST sure that the only ones who know that are the robots because they, well, don't have a Heart. And psychopaths too, for the same reason.

    I'm going through a similar situation, with the difference that this is the third time were being whatever-the-fuck-this-is. He says were friends, but we have sex, and Heaven help me If he sees me online on gaydar. But I decided to take a different approach this time: I know him well, and I know whow he works. For instance, every time he starts with "why were you on gaydar", I used to try to remember him that we are not a couple. Now i don't do that; i just say "oh, i don't know, it is because of the app, it doesn't log off". And If he wants to keep talking about it, i just turn my ears off and start singing a song in my Head.
    Another thing that happens is that If i ask him to go out, he will say no. I have to wait for him to make the invitation. So then, If I want to go out with somebody... I just ask another person, not him. I want to be with him, but not If he acts like a stupid Asshole. Is he using me? Hell he is. But I'm using him too (I'm using the word "use" because i can't find another better one in English). And it's like a hobbie, til somebody better comes along.

    My little advice: leave him. Keep the good moments and remember the bad moments so you don't have to go through them again. And If you're feeling uncomfortable, just say no and do another thing.
    When he woke up, the dinosaur was still there.

  6. #6
    Alt Universe CliqueMember Spikey's Avatar
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    Don't know if it is sensible asking for advice when you know that everybody will say you need to leave him. It does at least help to type things out like you did, naming and explaining the problem is the start of a solution. Construct a flow chart of sorts
    Do you want to have sex with someone that you think has been that vile to you even though you still love him?
    Do you want to experiment with an open relationship?
    If yes, on his terms only?
    "Replies are a combination of nonsense, unrelated comments and inside jokes"‎

  7. #7
    Things will never become less complicated until you stop having sex with him. At least, that's my experience.

    But yeah, based on what you wrote, you need to cut ties with him. It may not be fun or easy, but you'll certainly respect yourself more.

  8. #8
    Administrator Ryan's Avatar
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    ^ I agree with cutting all ties. Block him from your phone. Don't interact with him when you go out. He's made it clear that he expects a certain level of freedom, but he does not want you to have the same. He expects you not to be jealous or clingy, yet he doesn't like when you're dating someone else. That tells me that it's always going to be about him. Why would you ever want to make a relationship happen with someone so selfish? He's made it clear through his actions that he does not care about your feelings much, if at all, and no one deserves that.

    Here's the thing. Open relationships can work. I've been in a relationship for almost eight years with someone who I'd consider my best friend. I've never felt this way about anyone else. We get along beautifully. We still have sex with other people, and we still have threesomes as a couple, but it does not change the fact that I love and trust him. But it works because we were both okay with it. It's something we've discussed and been open about since the very beginning. You both have to be on the same page for a relationship of any kind to work. It's sort of like couples where one wants children and one wants to be child-free -- can that ever really work long-term without one person becoming resentful, or feeling they've missed out, or having regrets about the decisions they've made? I just think there are a few key aspects of relationships that don't work as compromises. You've basically confirmed that about your relationship in your first post. He wanted something that you've always been hesitant about, that you tried to make yourself get used to. You shouldn't have to do that. Find someone who wants what you want and save yourself the stress and paranoia and heartache.

    This person isn't a good fit for you. He will not magically change overnight and come around to your way of thinking. And vice versa. It's not worth the drama or the tears. A year is no time, really. Chalk it up to experience and move on. There are plenty of people out there. Enforce the "no contact" rule from your end. Eventually he will stop trying and move on, as you should.

  9. #9
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    I think it's important to remember (at least I often have to remind myself of this) that we're under no obligation to maintain a friendship with someone who has hurt us. I know in my past, because of a desire to keep peace with people and wanting to avoid conflict, I've allowed unworthy people to have kind of a power over me, and that's really not a positive situation to be in. I agree that you should separate yourself from him, and focus on being with someone who wants the same things you want and who will bring more positivity into your life. We all deserve that.

  10. #10
    sing to the moon dAmION's Avatar
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    ^Totally agree with that.

  11. #11
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    Thanks for all the advice, guys. I have decided that keeping my distance is definitely the healthiest thing, and I think it's no coincidence that I am feeling much healthier.

    As an update, we exchanged a few messages last week and I told him that I am now ready to date other people and that sleeping together had to stop. Even though he has been sleeping around a lot since our break up he told me the idea of me being with other people was too difficult and so he now wanted to cease all contact. I didn't get caught in an argument about why I thought this was hypocritical; I just let it slide and told him I accept the decision (knowing it's best for me as well).

    Anyway, on Saturday he was out (wasted I assume) and I received a string of abusive texts about the fact that I am seeing someone else (I had a date with another guy and we were obviously spotted). I chose not to reply until Monday when u simply said please don't message me like that again. Anyway, at this point he began to act sad, saying once again it's a shame we can't be friends, "spend quality time and have a few cuddle nights together". I reiterated that I want to move forward with new people now and he has since decided again on NC. Over two days I have been blocked and unblocked in Facebook, and several times on Whatsapp.

    I think you're all right; he's a user and he's selfish. And at least the pain gets less every day; he hooked up with a guy in front of me the day we broke up, and everything since then has obviously not compared. I'm feeling ready to move forward, I'm just now not really sure whether he's going to let me.

  12. #12
    sing to the moon dAmION's Avatar
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    ^ Good job on keeping it together.

  13. #13
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    Yep, good job. It takes strength to move forward, and you're being very strong.

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