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Thread: A Coming Out (of sorts)

  1. #1
    twilight campfighter Alan's Avatar
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    A Coming Out (of sorts)

    Hi all. It's been so long since I posted on this forum that I bet half the people here don't even recognise me! But I used to post here a lot back in the day, anyway.

    I'm not even sure this thread belongs in this forum? But I can't think of a more appropriate place, so here we are. I've only recently found the guts and confidence to start telling the world this, so, you know, please be kind, etc. It will be kind of cathartic and a relief to write this post.

    I was about 14 when I started wearing women's clothes. At first, and for some time, it was a highly sexual experience for me. Over the years I've confided in a few girlfriends about it but nobody else; it's remained a very private experience. Every time I would dress I would feel lovely, and then afterwards I felt shame, disgust -- all the usual crap. Well, as I've got older I've realised a couple of things: firstly, the sexual thrill of crossdressing has significantly diminished for me, it now feels much more like a fulfilling expression of some feminine part of myself; and secondly, that my desire to dress is not going to stop. I have tried several times to "purge" myself of my urges (and my girly clothes), but it's futile. It always comes back. And besides, I like the way it makes me feel, so why the hell even should I try to stop?

    Recently I've had the courage to tell a couple of platonic friends, and I have even gone over to a friend's house for dinner and worn a dress. The response from all those I've told has been just so lovely and supportive, and that makes me feel incredibly happy. Next week a friend is taking me out shopping for a new dress of my own, eeek!

    So that's it - I am a crossdresser, I suppose. It feels really good to be able to come out and say that. I am definitely not ready to go out in public yet, although that is something I do want to do in time. It's a scary prospect though (although I am lucky to live in a pretty progressive city, with a lot of lovely and open-minded friends). Partially it's more scary because I have no intention of trying to "pass" - I don't want to try to pass myself off as a woman, I just want to wear women's clothes. I don't want to wear breast forms, or change my voice, or adopt a female name. I don't consider myself trans; I am a cishet man who often feels feminine and for some reason I have a deep-seated urge to express that femininity that I don't seem to be able to ignore.

    Any tips for blogs/youtube channels on make-up/style etc., would be much appreciated as I suck at that kind of thing and I want to learn!

    Oh - I know there are people on this forum who follow me on twitter, or are friends with me on facebook. Please don't mention this on those sites - there are friends and family and colleagues on there who don't know about this, and I don't want them to know. Thanks

  2. #2
    Alt Universe CliqueMember Spikey's Avatar
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    Interesting, good that you wrote about it and thanks for sharing. Everyone is accepted here, of course, but still, takes courage to defy norms and actually write about it. Always think there are as many types of gender fluidity as there are gender fluid people myself; by what you write, you definitely don't fit into one of the four "standard" categories I consider to be; "pre-op, post-op, non-op, drag", and it is good that you don't have to in this day and age. Share more whenever you feel like it.
    "Replies are a combination of nonsense, unrelated comments and inside jokes"‎

  3. #3
    I'm so happy for you that you've decided to embrace something that brings you joy, even though there are obviously some things that make it difficult (societal norms, etc.).

  4. #4
    I don't keep up with any makeup blogs, the MAC makeup counter has been a great resource for me to get tips and advice and also play with product before I buy it. They do free makeovers, too, though that usually requires an appointment. I know you probably couldn't do that in your own city on the down-low, but it might be worth a short trip out of town.

  5. #5
    someone to fall back on Owen's Avatar
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    I am so happy that you are in a place where you can be yourself. Thank you for sharing this here.

  6. #6
    twilight campfighter Alan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JayPeaches View Post
    I'm so happy for you that you've decided to embrace something that brings you joy, even though there are obviously some things that make it difficult (societal norms, etc.).
    It's a real shame. Our culture is highly regulated in this way. There are cultures past & present all over the world in which men wear skirts or dress-like garments and it's just fine, it's normal. And even in Western culture it is permitted in certain highly regulated ways (kilts, bishop's robes etc), but outside of those few allowances, a man in heels/flouncy dress could easily risk abuse or even violence depending on where they went. It's just very depressing.

    I've read a few takes on this which suggest that the reason it's seen as okay for women to wear "male" clothing and not vice versa is that taking on masculine qualities is seen as a step up in social status for a woman. It's deemed something to aspire to, something strong and good. Whereas femininity is deemed weak and demeaning, therefore a man who voluntarily makes himself feminine is demeaning himself, because to be a woman, ultimately, is demeaning. I think this embedded misogyny is very real and part of the reason for this post is my small attempt to overcome that - I am not ashamed or demeaned by femininity, I am proud of it.

    For me specifically, I don't want to dress up every day, it's just something I want to do from time to time. It's like... my bandwidth is broader than male codes allow me to be. I don't feel inauthentic in jeans and a tshirt - that is also a real part of who I am, it's just that there is more. I really love the way lipstick feels on my lips, or the way a dress makes me feel, or the way stockings feel on my legs. They're just really nice feelings that men just don't get to experience.

    Thanks for the MAC recommendation, by the way, they've been mentioned to me a couple of times now as being good with accepting non-gender conforming types so that's definitely something I'll be investigating

  7. #7
    it's a long long climb Kari's Avatar
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    Hiiii I was just talking to you on the social medias buuuut wanted to come in, offer my support, and DRESSING UP IS FUN! Being a woman is often a horrendous load of bullshit, but I love putting on a dress and some makeup and heels, and I think everyone should get to do that if they so desire. I think the expectations of sexuality and expression put on straight men are stupid. I am glad you feel comfortable talking to us about it.

  8. #8
    twilight campfighter Alan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spikey View Post
    you definitely don't fit into one of the four "standard" categories I consider to be; "pre-op, post-op, non-op, drag"
    Yeah, although I must say that getting fully femmed-up drag-style sounds *incredibly* fun, although I don't think it's something I'd want to do all the time (I'm too lazy, if nothing else )

  9. #9
    twilight campfighter Alan's Avatar
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    Update: a friend took me out shopping for a dress yesterday, and I bought one! She was really encouraging and gave me loads of moral support. We tried a bunch of different shops, and I was pretty open with the staff that yes, these dresses are for me, and yes, I'm going to try them on. They were all *lovely* about it and didn't bat an eyelid, some of them even chatted enthusiastically with me about colours, styles etc. In the end I bought one from a department store as the little shops didn't seem to have stuff in a size that fit me. I also bought a bunch of make up (lipliner, an eyeshadow pallette, more nail varnish) while I was out too. It was a really good afternoon and I felt more and more confident as it went along. Hooray!

  10. #10
    Baby it BURNS thisnotget's Avatar
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    Yay! Glad everything went well!
    -time moves both ways-

  11. #11
    twilight campfighter Alan's Avatar
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    Hi




  12. #12
    carried by the sound emanate's Avatar
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  13. #13
    she might not be so bold fullofwish's Avatar
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    Not sure if you are wearing the same lippie in both pictures (sometimes the light makes it tricky to tell) but I LOVE the colour in the first one! Gorgeous!

  14. #14
    twilight campfighter Alan's Avatar
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    Thanks, it's MAC!

  15. #15
    Let them eat cheese flan Nancy's Avatar
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    Oh my god, you look fabulous. Can I have the name of that MAC lipstick you're wearing please? *not asking for a friend, asking for myself.*

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