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Thread: When people "bingo" you...

  1. #1
    bubble in a soundwave sara's Avatar
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    When people "bingo" you...

    What do you do when people start telling you you'll want kids and start with the "it's different when it's your kid/when you meet Mr or Ms Right you'll want them/wait till you're older" bullshit?
    My aunt made it her mission to try to convince me that I would eventually want children and "oh, when you meet Mr Right, you'll want to have kids". I said "well, if it was truly """""Mr Right""""", wouldn't he also not want to have children?". It shut her up that time, but the next few times we got into it, she would use the "oh wait till you're older" argument.

  2. #2
    thundering blissful towards death stillorbiting's Avatar
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    I like to ask why they're talking about having kids like it's the default choice. If I get back something like "that's just what you do!" (which is almost always the reply), I push it and ask WHY that's just what you do. I guarantee almost nobody will have a sensible comeback for this, because of course there's no good reason for it to be the default. There shouldn't be a default either way. But it's one of those things that a lot of people take for granted and internalize at an early age, that everyone gets older and gets married and has kids, and that's that. So I like to make people think and try to get them to ask themselves questions about the way they view life. If you keep pushing and not accepting "just because" as an answer, they'll either back off or start really thinking (or both).

  3. #3
    I thought I had the ultimate bingo-proof comeback when people started in on me - I would pull out the "My doctor said I can't have kids because it may kill me" excuse and most people dropped the issue (though usually because they felt sad that my choice was taken away, as if I wanted that choice in the first place or something). That excuse worked until I met my fiance's aunt, who bingo'd me up and down one day, cutting off everything I said with "Well I didn't want kids until I hit 39 and look at me now" and "Well, you'll just adopt then." Woman, stop projecting your life on me thankyouverymuch.

  4. #4
    werewolves, not swear-wolves Chalk's Avatar
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    I used to tell that it's condescending to say such things like "When it's your kid you won't mind the screaming" (wtf?), "Wait and see" etc... I don't bother anymore, because most people I know knows my stand on the issue and frankly I'm tired to explain. Why should I? I don't want one. There's nothing more to explain. Period.

  5. #5
    Senior Member ontheindianside's Avatar
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    stillorbiting, I like your answer.

    Probably because I'm not in a longterm relationship, my family members don't really bingo me (or necessarily know or acknowledge/believe that I don't want kids - except my sisters). And most people I'm actually friends with either don't want kids either or get that my uterus is my uterus. But people on the street, random acquaintances, and even some friends do sometimes harp on it. People I know are mostly just dismissive, while people I don't are more incredulous. When someone says, "You'll want them when you're older" or "when you meet the right person," I usually start tell them how many times I've heard that and that nothing's changed in the fifteen years or so during which I can remember not wanting kids (granted, I hadn't even hit puberty for a couple of those, but I knew). If that doesn't work, I just say, "Well, I guess we'll see," make a sarcastic joke at their expenses, tell them how genuinely it grosses me out and ask them not to talk about it, or somehow get into an argument about feminism or something. Luckily, it doesn't happen to me yet. I'm only 25, and with my lifestyle and all that, I don't expect to get the question any more often until I'm 30 or so.

  6. #6
    A Matter Of How You See It Kala's Avatar
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    I have not received many comments about my choice (probably because IRL I am a very private person with a fairly aloof demeanor). What bothers me most about this subject is that it is almost without exception a question posed by women towards other women. Rarely do I hear men saying something to the effect: "You'll change your mind one day". It's more about women who cannot imagine their lives being complete without children, judging other women for choosing to remain childfree. They really cannot fathom how another woman can be content with her life without being a mother. And that's what it boils down to in my view.

  7. #7
    she said destroy Lágnætti's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kala View Post
    I have not received many comments about my choice (probably because IRL I am a very private person with a fairly aloof demeanor).
    Yeah, same here. I don't get many either IRL. When I do, it's inevitably from the female breederesque types in my extended family who done nothing else in their lives but get married and breed and even think women like my mum - who had kids AND a career - are unwholesome freaks. They don't tend to address it directly so much as (ah, female stereotypes) passive-aggressively though, which makes it really easy to ignore or shut down immediately.

    People who try to draw me into some lather of self-justification can just fuck off and will generally be told to do so in some form or other, whether it be directly or just be refusing to be drawn into anything more than yes or no answers. It's like sex to me - you shouldn't have to qualify or justify why you don't want to do it with someone. No should simply be accepted as no.

    Noboby should have to justify themselves to anyone on the subject. I mean, do you all follow people with kids around asking them why they had them and trying to persuade them it was all a huge mistake which they will regret? No. The same courtesy should automatically be extended in the opposite dirtection.

    I think the people who really go hard on people who don't want to breed are more interested in validating their own choices to breed for the most part.

  8. #8
    it's a long long climb Kari's Avatar
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    As I mentioned, lately my husband and I have been experiencing an unexpected bit of ambivalence about the kid thing for various reasons that neither of us can really well explain, but we're still pretty sure it's not for us. That's the line we're holding with our families.

    My mother, however, does not get the memo. My husband is a bit older than me, and last time we visited, my mom lectured him about how we'd better have kids because if not, I will die alone. I shit you not, that is what she said. He couldn't even respond because it was such a wacko thing to say. Having a child because you don't want to die alone is THE WORST REASON to have a kid. First of all, there's no guarantee your death will be all neat and tidy with loved ones surrounding your bed. Second of all, who says that?!?!

  9. #9
    Insert something clever here iamstilljamiepoo's Avatar
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    The decision to have children has been weighing on my mind lately. First off...guess what? According to my mother, since I have no desire for children and I don't have a boyfriend, I'm gay. Dontcha know? Well, I am, but her assumption is based on a ridiculous premise.

    Anyway, so I have a problem with those "parts" that would give me said children, I am been faced with deciding if I want my fertility salvaged when having the surgery to remove the issue. I told my doctor that am nearly sure I want to just do away with everything. No kids here. He was honestly perplexed. He used the same logic as Sara's aunt to deter me. I just haven't met the right person, etc...

    Dude, you're my doc. I know he is concerned about my making a decision I can't take back and all. Take care of my vagina and go away.

  10. #10
    bubble in a soundwave sara's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by stillorbiting View Post
    If you keep pushing and not accepting "just because" as an answer, they'll either back off or start really thinking (or both).
    I like this.

    Quote Originally Posted by Chalk View Post
    I used to tell that it's condescending to say such things like "When it's your kid you won't mind the screaming" (wtf?), "Wait and see" etc... I don't bother anymore, because most people I know knows my stand on the issue and frankly I'm tired to explain. Why should I? I don't want one. There's nothing more to explain. Period.
    It is really condescending! It's like they think they know your life better than you do.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kari View Post
    My mother, however, does not get the memo. My husband is a bit older than me, and last time we visited, my mom lectured him about how we'd better have kids because if not, I will die alone. I shit you not, that is what she said. He couldn't even respond because it was such a wacko thing to say. Having a child because you don't want to die alone is THE WORST REASON to have a kid. First of all, there's no guarantee your death will be all neat and tidy with loved ones surrounding your bed. Second of all, who says that?!?!
    WTF?! That's mental, but sadly, I've heard it before as well. My aunt (who I very, very thankfully no longer speak to) used it as her trump card in many arguments we used to have. "Oh you'll just have pets? WELL A DOG CAN'T LOOK AFTER YOU WHEN YOU'RE DYING". No, it can't, but that's why there are doctors and nurses and senior's homes.
    Looking back, I could have been uber-petty with her and said "well, let's look at your kid. She smoked/drank/did a variety of drugs all before the age of 15, got arrested on an air force base, got drunk and smashed someone's 4x4 all-terrain vehicle into a tree AND got knocked up and didn't tell you, but told her BFF's mom. If that's part of the joys of motherhood, I'd like to get the fuck away from that, thx".

  11. #11
    Who's Deanna? SparkleMotion's Avatar
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    I really hate the "when you're old" reasoning. It makes no sense to me. I don't want my son to have to worry about that stuff. I don't plan on using him as a crutch when I'm old. My dad is the same way with me. He has all his ducks in a row when it comes to end of life issues (as much as he can anyway). That's not to say unforseen stuff won't happen, but like any other adult, you get through it with the resources you have. Staving off loneliness is a horrible reason for procreation.

    ETA: sara, I love your response. Pets FTW!!!

  12. #12
    Militia of the Mind toriMODE's Avatar
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    I will question them why they wanted kids or had kids. I give them reasons that I want to pursue a career and live a somewhat selfish lifestyle of not worrying about raising a little one.

  13. #13
    Luckiest SweetPea's Avatar
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    When my husband and I first got married we were bombarded with the "when will you have kids?" question in various forms by all members on both sides (except my sister, who knows better). When my lovely Aunt Sonja asked and I answered, "we aren't going to have kids" you'd have thought I'd killed a kitten in front of her! She turned pale and looked at my parents (who didn't acknowledge her) and back to me... she said some bullshit about "blah blah blah family name blah blah blah when you're older blah blah blah you've got time to think about it" etc. to which I answered "well, actually... there is a very small chance that my husband can even father a child since he had cancer when he was a baby. So even if we did want kids, which I don't, we'd probably have to adopt anyway... and we really don't have the money for that." She spit and sputtered for a few minutes and then said something about "if you really wanted to you'd find a way". I almost slapped her.
    You don't have to do everything all by yourself.

  14. #14
    the reichenbach hero fox in socks's Avatar
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    bleh bingo. the most random people seem to think they get an opinion on your life choices--well that life choice. i got bingoed hard at a recent party which was so lame. i heard "when are you having little ones?" and when i was having a sangria "guess youre not pregnant eh?". i shouldve said "yeah i am. sip sip".

    my favorite is being told about the joys of parenting in the same conversation as hearing about how shitty the bingoers kids behave. sounds fun!

  15. #15
    ^ The last time someone asked me at a party if T and I were trying to have kids, I reached for the nearest beer and said, "Not no, but hell no!" and took a big swig. That shut them the fuck up.

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